Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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