My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
So much rum. So many feels.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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