Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
