Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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