Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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