Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
there is glitter all over my balls
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