I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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