My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
