She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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