Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
false alarm. still invincible.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
