she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
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