i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
