just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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