Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
