I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Randomize
