My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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