i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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