Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
