***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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