Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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