on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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