does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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