You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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