areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
