There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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