Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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