You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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