one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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