sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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