I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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