Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Is her dick bigger than yours?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
