I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
