my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
