Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Randomize
