so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
