i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
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at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
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I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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