someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?