Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
