i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Don't make out with my wife yet
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples