new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
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your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
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I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.