then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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