im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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