Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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