just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
