a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
