I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
