Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
