turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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