Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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