well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
