Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night