dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.