You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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