I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
