I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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