i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
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