I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
i think i have two assholes
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
