Only a mothe r could love this liver
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
